MOTHERHOOD

One Month : Coco Darling

Today, one month after our Coco Darling’s birth I wanted to share a little with you. To share the little corner we made for our girl and to remember her. Below is a post that I wrote the day before we lost Coco, I sat at my computer writing and daydreaming about meeting my girl. And although I may not have seen her eyes open, I saw her, I met her, I felt her. I will never forget those moments. I will never forget that button nose. She was so beautiful and I fell even more in love  than I already was.

One month on dear est Coco Darling. 

And there isn’t a day that goes by without thinking about you, missing you and crying for you our girl. I still go to pat my tummy expecting you to be there. I have dreams that you are here still and that I can hold you again. I literally ache to hold you Coco. But your papa and I are okay, every day has its challenges  and some days the sun comes out , we smile and we talk about you. We love talking about you little one. 

Today we will plant a tree for you ( Thanks Jean and Dave ) we will vist your grave, we will look at photos of you, we will write letters to you, talk to you, smile again and cry again. We will miss you and we will be thankful for you. We love you so Coco Darling. Always will.

Your Mama and Papa x

 

IMG_6026 one IMG_6017 three two IMG_5968

( Written on the 27th of May 2014, the day before Coco Darling passed away )

Our Coco Darling is due any day now, and boy oh boy are there some mixed emotions. Excitement of meeting our girl, Of physically getting to hold her. But then the next second feeling the devastation and fear that we are so close to possibly losing her, that these could be our last days with Coco.

So we have made a cosy little corner for our babe. A place for her in the chance she will come home with us, even for a night.  There is a lot of love in Coco’s Corner,  gifts made and given from near and far, from family, from friends, and from people whom we have never met. We have once again been overwhemled by the kindness, generosity and love shown to us and to our Coco Darling, we thank you.

It has been somewhat of a therapeutic process for me to make things for my wee babe. At first it was pretty hard to face. It felt as though I would be putting more of my heart out there to be broken. That every time I made anything that it would gut me to the core. And although, in some ways it did (  a loooot of tears were shed in the making )  I started to realise that it wasn’t going to hurt any less if we didn’t make her anything, It wasn’t going to stop the sadness if we didnt create a special place for Coco Darling.  Just because she may not be around as long as other children we hope to have, doesn’t mean she should get anything less.

Every day is a battle between hope and reality. Every moment. But when we lie in bed and look over at her corner, when we feel her kick and wriggle what else can we do but hope?

So with my nesting in full swing, a freezer full of meals, a little nest ready for this baby bird and bags packed, we wait. It’s up to you now Coco Darling, we have made it this far babe, let’s have a little longer, we can’t wait to meet you.

Until next time,BlackbirdBLOG signature

Coco Darling

CocoDarling

I have known I would have to write this post one day, but I didn’t think it would be now. I have thought about what I might feel like, and what I might write, but I still have no idea. There are no words.

Yesterday we heard the last few heartbeats of  our wee babe, and then our girl was still. There were no heartbeats, there were no movements and she had gone. 39 weeks and 2days, so close baby girl. We had hoped against all odds that we would get to meet you, for your eyes to open and look into ours. But we are so thankful for the weeks we had with you, we met you in a different way. And we will still hold you, love you and you will always be our first born, our daughter, our Coco Darling.

Thank you everyone who emailed, texted, sent gifts and love to us and our Coco Darling, we are so overwhelmed and so grateful.

We still need your prayers. There is still a labour, a birth and a burial to go through. From there we are taking the time we need as a family, to heal, to grieve and to recover.

We will be back when we are ready.

Until next time,BlackbirdBLOG signature

Coco Darling // 33weeks

coco28x6Coco Darling is 33weeks and seriously, this girl is a fighter.

It has been a hard few months. She has been gaining less and less weight, had trouble with her umbilical cord and generally not doing the greatest. The prognosis being she would most likely pass away in utero and we wouldn’t get to meet her. And now she surprised us all by gaining a bunch of weight, and growing really well. She is a tough cooke. And while this doesn’t mean we are out of any sort of proverbial woods, it is a glance at hope. Hope that at least we will be able to meet our girl.

We have wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your incredible response of love and support. From people far and near, from those who know us personally, and those who don’t. It really has blown us away. But we still need you.

Although we may seem strong and brave as many of you have written, we have our days. Days where we don’t want to face the world, days were I feel ripped off, that I have to go through all this, the stretch marks and bad sleeps and I don’t get a healthy daughter at the end. Ripped off that I don’t get to plan a nursery, have a baby shower or have any sort of the normality of a traditional pregnancy. Days where I feel sorry for myself, where I am so angry that we have to walk this, and days where all I can do is cry.

Then I tell myself, it will be okay. We still have Coco Darling right now. I get to feel her kick and move, she is with us, she hears us and I can face the day. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t break our heart and that we still don’t feel ripped off, but we can enjoy her.

Through the various messages and emails the resounding theme is that it is so hard to know what to do and what not to. So I thought I would share with you.

We love getting your emails, we love getting your texts. We are not much for phone calls and visits, but we want to hear from you none the less. Yes, buy gifts for Coco, talk about her, write her notes that we can read to her. We want to celebrate her as much as we can while she is with us. I am still pregnant, We are still parents and she is still our daughter.

Thank you to all those who already have, it means the world that you love our Coco too.

I never thought you could be so proud of someone you have never met. But we are so proud of our Coco Darling, Hang in there kid.

Until next timeBlackbirdBLOG signature

Coco Darling

Those of you who having followed the blog, my facebook or instagram know that we are expecting our first baby this june. But we thought we would introduce her early. Her, that’s right, we are having a girl.
Meet our Coco Darling.
We did not intend to share the sex of our baby just yet, and definitely not the name. But things have changed and we want to share her with you before her ‘arrival’. But let me go back to explain why.

Four weeks ago, at our 20week anatomy scan a few warning bells were raised. She was in the 2nd percentile for size, and the 10th for length, Coco is a very little baby. As they looked closer, they found out more.We were sent to the Fetal medicine ward at Auckland Hospital where they did a more in-depth scan, and we heard the first on Trisomy 18. They performed an amniocentesis, and we waited for the results. They came back 100%, Coco had Trisomy 18. We were heart broken to say the least.

 Trisomy 18 is a rare genetic disorder that is quoted as being ” incompatible with life ” One in 6,000 babes have Trisomy 18, Not many make it full term, and even then, most are still born. Most only live hours or days, only around 8% make it to their first birthday.
I have spent the last few weeks debating with myself to share or not to share. To be honest, I did not really want to share this. I didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt too much. But the other day something switched. Despite the statistics and pain, we love our Coco Darling more than I ever thought I could love someone. She is our daughter, we are so thankful she is in our lives. She is a fighter. And we want to pour as much love on her for as long as we have her. We pray for a miracle, but we are thankful for who she is regardless. We thank God for Coco daily. We are thankful for our dear friends, for the meals, for the prayers and texts and flowers. The hardest part isn’t over, we still need your help and your prayers. I may not want to talk about it, and somedays I might. I will have good days and Bad. But we will always want you to think, to love and to pray for our Coco Darling. 

Thanks.

Gem, Nathan and Coco Darling.