MOTHERHOOD

Baby Bird on the way!

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Romper from Nature Baby | Organic Cotton Blanket and beanie from Blackbird Goods | Knitted Elephant and Rattle are Vintage

Those who follow my Instagram may have seen the announcement a few weeks ago, but I thought I should make it blog official! We are in fact expecting a wee babe in the new year. It has been a bit of roller coaster of excitement and nerves due to our past experiences, but we are forever hopeful, and so far, so good. And with a new trimester, comes new growth spurts and expansions. Although I grew out of my high-waisted jeans fairly early, I have been making do with my normal wardrobe, partly because I now live in Hawkes Bay and find clothes shopping a bit of a struggle at times, and partly because the idea of buying a wardrobe for a few months kinda goes against a lot of what I believe. So minus jeans, maternity tights ( ohhhh man, I love those things ) and other necessities of pregnancy wears, I am hoping to buy things I love, that I can wear throughout, as well as after.

So here is my current ( fraction of a ) wish list!

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Yoli & Otis | Reiner shirt – Light cotton gauze seems perfect for a summer pregnancy, as well as breastfeeding/hiding post pregnancy belly and beyond.

St.Agni Hugo | Loafer Slides – For when it becomes too hard to bend over, slides all the way. I recently stumbled across these guys and gee whizz, I absolutely love them! Picking a favourite was hard, so I may just need to buy more than one pair.

Kowtow | Scenic Crew – I love this trans-seasonal piece, pop it over a dress, or with jeans ( lets face it, it will mostly be worn with tights, at home, with no bra )

Sodashi | Calming Rose Face Mist – My friends at Tonic Room really know how to pick the best of natural skin care and other goodies, and since I am hoping to channel all the calm this pregnancy, this seems like the perfect companion.

Elizabeth Suzann | Harlow Tunic – I have loved Elizabeth Suzann’s gears for a long time now, and have basically just been looking for an excuse to buy anything from her, so I am pregnant, and treat yo self. ( plus free shipping!? perfect )

Kowtow | Building Blocks – Yes, Kowtow features once more, that is because they are awesome, organic and fair trade. Let Liv stocks their building blocks range, and this stretchy number will be my go-to/I will wear it everyday and hope no-one notices or cares.

Sarah Grey | Cashmere Robe – Ali from Tessuti does luxury well, so I chose this robe because  once again, treat.yo.self, plus there is an obvious trend of lounging going on.

Georgia Jay | Suede Roundie –  Although I have been through a full term pregnancy, the other end is completely unknown, but I hear a lot about big/ugly diaper bags, so  I plan on making the most of cute, small bags ( and will probably head to see Georgia to rebel against getting an actual diaper bag anyway. )

 

What were your pregnancy must-have’s or wish list?

 

 

On dealing with loss of two babies, and how you can be a better friend to those who’ve lost theirs.

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PHOTO : Me in the first trimester with Coco.

May. Initially its significance to Nathan and I was it is the month of our wedding anniversary, but now, it’s also the month of the death and birth of our first child, and was the due date of our second.

I wasn’t going to publicly share this part of our lives, after sharing so much about Coco Darling, I didn’t know if I could pour my heart out all over again. But my friend, the woman who interviewed me for my first ever feature in Homestyle Magazine back in 2013, and one very talented writer, Debbie Harrison persuaded me to. Contacting me in September of 2015, asking if I would share my story on Coco Darling with the readers of NEXT magazine as a feature they were doing on resilient woman. I obliged, happy to once again share that story with the world. Partly because I had always felt to share Coco’s story, to try to make the loss of our children a little less lonely. But also because I was in-fact pregnant once again, in my first trimester and due around the same date as our Coco had been, the end of May. I thought I perhaps share more of a happy ending to my story. So we set a date for Debbie to interview me over the phone and went about life until then.

But that’s when a few things changed. First off, I began spotting, which any woman who has been in that position knows is un-nerving to say the least. But being assured by people around me ( and google, seriously, why do we google. ) that it was perfectly normal to spot and that I should not worry. Which I tried to, and tried to ignore the gnawing feeling that I could possibly lose another baby. But week passed, all seemed to be okay, and just like that I had hit the magical 12 week date. Sweet relief. And then, I miscarried. Ending up in hospital with a lot of blood loss and a broken heart. We were devastated to say the least, and really, we still are. But soon after, Debbie contacted me about the piece, and I had to tell her that shitty shitty news, but that I was even though I felt destroyed, I still wanted to share, about Coco, and about our other babe.

The last six months have been a hard slog of down days and a few up. Watching friends and strangers get pregnant and give birth, watching babies turn two like our Coco would have, and others counting down the weeks like I would have for our second child. But I am thankful everyday for an amazing, caring and supportive husband. Incredible family and some really great friends.

But after loosing our second child, I thought, if I am going to share something about it, it needs to be more than a sob story, it need to practically help people. So, if I can leave you with one thing, it is this.

If you have lost a child, whether in miscarriage, still-born or later in their life, whether you have struggled to get pregnant, or simple cannot. Lets talk about this. With each other, and with those around us, know that you are not alone, that it is okay to be sad, angry or anything else you may feel and although we will not understand your story completely, as it is yours alone, but we can relate, and grieve with you. Surround yourself with good people, people who love you and care for you. Be kind to yourself, let yourself  take some time out, feel what you need to, write it down, keep writing. Also, maybe take a break from social media for a while.  It’s constant reminder that people ( most of whom you don’t  actually know, or would never hear about without social media ) are getting pregnant and having babies. And treat.yo.self. Sometimes it’s nice to go get your hair done, buy a new dress, or hand cream, take a bath. You deserve a little pampering girlfriend. And lastly, I can tell you, it does get better, it does not fade completely, it will never be the same as it was before, you will not forget your children ( and why would you want to ) but you will be okay. I promise.

And for those around us. Please don’t be afraid to talk to us. Acknowledge our loss, and pain. But not just the feeling, but our child, if they have a name, say their name. They are so real to us. It hurts us more when you ignore it. We know you don’t know what to say, neither do we. But you don’t have try to understand or even act like you do. Don’t try to fix it, it’s unfixable. Yes, we won’t always feel this shit, but we will always feel pain. Also, don’t forget about the men in the scenario, they have lost children too and most likely are doing a stand up job looking after the mother of said child, they could probably do with a beer and someone to talk to too. Next, please don’t ask if we are going to try again, or if we are trying, we probably are, and if we aren’t, it’s none of your business unless we make it yours ( that goes for asking people in general, if someones not talking about having babies, don’t ask them, you don’t know their journey ). Also, please don’t say there will be more children, that it will happen in the right time or that you are young and have our whole lives ahead of us. We know all of this, but it hurts and makes us want to punch you in the face when you do, even if you mean well. Remember we are dealing with the hormones and changes of somebody post baby, it’s not a fun place. Please don’t invite us to your kids party’s or ask us to hold your babies ( unless we ask to ). We really do love them, but it’s just kinda hard, at least for a while. And of course all of these is may vary from person, so when in doubt, just ask.

But what you can do is listen, bring some food, bring some wine, bring a shitty movie, do some gardening, stack the dishwasher, anything. And don’t wait for us to ask ( Well at least ask if it’s okay to come around ) as most of us a true proud to say yes, so just do it. We need it. But mostly just continue to be our friend, love us, we will come right eventually.

If you would like to read more of mine and two other incredible woman talk about  resilience through hardship, you can do so in the July issue NEXT magazine, out now.

Special thanks to the lovely Debbie Harrison
for helping me share this.

 

One Month : Coco Darling

Today, one month after our Coco Darling’s birth I wanted to share a little with you. To share the little corner we made for our girl and to remember her. Below is a post that I wrote the day before we lost Coco, I sat at my computer writing and daydreaming about meeting my girl. And although I may not have seen her eyes open, I saw her, I met her, I felt her. I will never forget those moments. I will never forget that button nose. She was so beautiful and I fell even more in love  than I already was.

One month on dear est Coco Darling. 

And there isn’t a day that goes by without thinking about you, missing you and crying for you our girl. I still go to pat my tummy expecting you to be there. I have dreams that you are here still and that I can hold you again. I literally ache to hold you Coco. But your papa and I are okay, every day has its challenges  and some days the sun comes out , we smile and we talk about you. We love talking about you little one. 

Today we will plant a tree for you ( Thanks Jean and Dave ) we will vist your grave, we will look at photos of you, we will write letters to you, talk to you, smile again and cry again. We will miss you and we will be thankful for you. We love you so Coco Darling. Always will.

Your Mama and Papa x

 

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( Written on the 27th of May 2014, the day before Coco Darling passed away )

Our Coco Darling is due any day now, and boy oh boy are there some mixed emotions. Excitement of meeting our girl, Of physically getting to hold her. But then the next second feeling the devastation and fear that we are so close to possibly losing her, that these could be our last days with Coco.

So we have made a cosy little corner for our babe. A place for her in the chance she will come home with us, even for a night.  There is a lot of love in Coco’s Corner,  gifts made and given from near and far, from family, from friends, and from people whom we have never met. We have once again been overwhemled by the kindness, generosity and love shown to us and to our Coco Darling, we thank you.

It has been somewhat of a therapeutic process for me to make things for my wee babe. At first it was pretty hard to face. It felt as though I would be putting more of my heart out there to be broken. That every time I made anything that it would gut me to the core. And although, in some ways it did (  a loooot of tears were shed in the making )  I started to realise that it wasn’t going to hurt any less if we didn’t make her anything, It wasn’t going to stop the sadness if we didnt create a special place for Coco Darling.  Just because she may not be around as long as other children we hope to have, doesn’t mean she should get anything less.

Every day is a battle between hope and reality. Every moment. But when we lie in bed and look over at her corner, when we feel her kick and wriggle what else can we do but hope?

So with my nesting in full swing, a freezer full of meals, a little nest ready for this baby bird and bags packed, we wait. It’s up to you now Coco Darling, we have made it this far babe, let’s have a little longer, we can’t wait to meet you.

Until next time,BlackbirdBLOG signature

Coco Darling

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I have known I would have to write this post one day, but I didn’t think it would be now. I have thought about what I might feel like, and what I might write, but I still have no idea. There are no words.

Yesterday we heard the last few heartbeats of  our wee babe, and then our girl was still. There were no heartbeats, there were no movements and she had gone. 39 weeks and 2days, so close baby girl. We had hoped against all odds that we would get to meet you, for your eyes to open and look into ours. But we are so thankful for the weeks we had with you, we met you in a different way. And we will still hold you, love you and you will always be our first born, our daughter, our Coco Darling.

Thank you everyone who emailed, texted, sent gifts and love to us and our Coco Darling, we are so overwhelmed and so grateful.

We still need your prayers. There is still a labour, a birth and a burial to go through. From there we are taking the time we need as a family, to heal, to grieve and to recover.

We will be back when we are ready.

Until next time,BlackbirdBLOG signature