I have known I would have to write this post one day, but I didn’t think it would be now. I have thought about what I might feel like, and what I might write, but I still have no idea. There are no words.

Yesterday we heard the last few heartbeats of  our wee babe, and then our girl was still. There were no heartbeats, there were no movements and she had gone. 39 weeks and 2days, so close baby girl. We had hoped against all odds that we would get to meet you, for your eyes to open and look into ours. But we are so thankful for the weeks we had with you, we met you in a different way. And we will still hold you, love you and you will always be our first born, our daughter, our Coco Darling.

Thank you everyone who emailed, texted, sent gifts and love to us and our Coco Darling, we are so overwhelmed and so grateful.

We still need your prayers. There is still a labour, a birth and a burial to go through. From there we are taking the time we need as a family, to heal, to grieve and to recover.

We will be back when we are ready.

Until next time,

Coco Darling is 33weeks and seriously, this girl is a fighter.

It has been a hard few months. She has been gaining less and less weight, had trouble with her umbilical cord and generally not doing the greatest. The prognosis being she would most likely pass away in utero and we wouldn’t get to meet her. And now she surprised us all by gaining a bunch of weight, and growing really well. She is a tough cooke. And while this doesn’t mean we are out of any sort of proverbial woods, it is a glance at hope. Hope that at least we will be able to meet our girl.

We have wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your incredible response of love and support. From people far and near, from those who know us personally, and those who don’t. It really has blown us away. But we still need you.

Although we may seem strong and brave as many of you have written, we have our days. Days where we don’t want to face the world, days were I feel ripped off, that I have to go through all this, the stretch marks and bad sleeps and I don’t get a healthy daughter at the end. Ripped off that I don’t get to plan a nursery, have a baby shower or have any sort of the normality of a traditional pregnancy. Days where I feel sorry for myself, where I am so angry that we have to walk this, and days where all I can do is cry.

Then I tell myself, it will be okay. We still have Coco Darling right now. I get to feel her kick and move, she is with us, she hears us and I can face the day. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t break our heart and that we still don’t feel ripped off, but we can enjoy her.

Through the various messages and emails the resounding theme is that it is so hard to know what to do and what not to. So I thought I would share with you.

We love getting your emails, we love getting your texts. We are not much for phone calls and visits, but we want to hear from you none the less. Yes, buy gifts for Coco, talk about her, write her notes that we can read to her. We want to celebrate her as much as we can while she is with us. I am still pregnant, We are still parents and she is still our daughter.

Thank you to all those who already have, it means the world that you love our Coco too.

I never thought you could be so proud of someone you have never met. But we are so proud of our Coco Darling, Hang in there kid.

Until next time